A Letter from Yachebed
A Letter from Yachebed,
It has been on my heart for quite some time now to write you and tell you all that has been happening in my life. I have prayed that I could communicate the fullness and richness of the salvation that I have been receiving and also the great mercy that our Father has shown towards me I believe that He is truly saving me from that deep rooted rebellion and mistrust that has so greatly hindered me thus for in the body. He has been amazingly patient and kind towards me all these years, just waiting to have compassion on me and bearing with so many great faults maladies and sins until He could reach me.
And in this some way, Yoneq, I wanted to deeply appreciate you and how you have been so very, very patient with me all these many years. Just like a good father you have been praying. hoping, and loving me with much compassion and mercy - waiting until I could truly see just how much our Father in heaven loves me and wants to help me see my condition. Although I did not respond at those times, somehow, our Father has not chosen to cut me off forever. I have been blinded by my own stubbornness and strong will. The pride and fear have been like a strong man to me, holding me captive not allowing me to trust our Master with all of my life. The fear of His authority (in every form) has been the wrong fear. I have not let the proper fear of God rule in my heart. It has been incapacitating to me and has damaged our family greatly. I believe that when Yonah and I were first married that I never gave over my headship to, him with my life. This has become clear to me now as The fruit of the mistrust has exhibited itself in the sad condition of my children. Oh Yoneq, I have been such a fool all these years! I did not see with the eyes of my heart that Yonah was a gift from our Father to, bring me into the salvation that I so desperately needed. He was the way out of the haywire insanity that had become my life before I met the body of Messiah. But, I couldn't and wouldn't trust those years ago and so try as I may over the years to, "be covered" by him, it was only an outward thing that didn't have a foundation.
There is really so much I want to express - I pray that this letter will communicate my heart of repentance. I know that you have known my past and I believe that is why there has been such great mercy extended to me - for this I am grateful. I was washed over a month ago now from a feminist spirit (rebellion) that had been exposed since we had been in Manasseh. Benabe said that our Father's timing is perfect, and He knew just when He could Pull that root totally up in my life and deal with it. (Not that it has been a secret to anybody). I was cut off from the table for two months and this discipline brought reality into focus for me maybe for the first time in my whole life. I came face to face with Gods authority and knew that it was only His mercy that I had not been totally cut off like my good friend, Mary Wiseman. Our marriage, though seemingly getting better over the years still had a big foundational flaw. Because of my lack of respect for Yonah and his words, this is what I communicated to my children. They had little or no respect for me and my word and so their rebellion increased. In Manasseh all the support systems were cut off (help from others) and that brought to light our family's true needy condition. We were found lacking at the first sacrifices and our Father had on His heart to, help our family first by getting things in proper order. Yonah has said for years that he felt like I was striving for headship (of my own life). I have been insecure in his authority - not trusting myself to our Father who is Sovereign, like Sarah, as I saw Yonah's many lacks and weaknesses. (I see now that I stopped trusting authority when I was very young and my own father was irresponsible and untrustworthy in his caring for our family).
All I know now, Yoneq, is that I have been crying out with all my heart that our Father would grant me total repentance and that He would give me another chance to be a godly wife and mother. This discipline of being cut off for two months and being separated from the children (the three boys are in Judah and also Tamar) has forced, me to cry out for salvation to reach my life. I see the great injustice I have brought to my children by not being in the proper order and being obedient to Yonah, totally supporting his authority and being HIS helpmate. I see how having my own mind about things has been devastating and it is only through mercy that I will be able to still be transformed in my mind. I have been a mess, Yoneq, and still am - but what I am clinging to is what Benabe says all the time that our Father has, "exuberant mercy on the stem". I am grateful that my life has finally become an open book to everyone. Actually, there is a relief that has come to me now that I know that everyone else knows my condition. It's like I don't have to try to be something that I am not. It is so good to be able to just be real and actually still be accepted for who I am - even the big mess that I am! I never knew what humility was and although I still am just scratching the surface - there is a rest that I'm finding that never was there before.
Yoneq, I love you and Ha-Emeq so much - and the body for bearing with me all these years. It is so comforting to start truly seeing that our Father's heart is for me and not against me (and never was). The wicked paranoid spirits that I have battled with all my life have been exposed and now are fleeing as they are being brought to the light. It is still a battle at times in my mind to consciously believe that everyone is for me - but I believe I am receiving grace now to stand. This is my only hope, I am seeing, to cling to the truth with everything in me. I have felt like Jacob a lot recently, struggling to hold onto our Master until the eyes of my heart could be enlightened and faith would penetrate my soul. I want to be a woman of faith there is something that I want more than to believe in our God, in the love that He has shown for me through YAHSHUA (and is showing me practically through His body and my husband).
Sometimes, too, I have felt like Mary Magdalene, who the Master cast out seven demons from. I'll never forget you talking about this and saying, "and how many demons do you think WE have?" When, I was washed I thought surely I needed to be baptized because of all the things that I saw I was lacking in. But Nehemiah said that my first baptism was a cutting (the first) and our Master got into me, but I have kept Him on the perimeter of my heart when He has wanted to, be in the center, helping me with all my wrong ways. But, now He will have the freedom to reach me. I am becoming vulnerable to His body where healing can come. And this is what I want I am weary of not increasing - I am done with the rebellion that has kept me from fearing, and receiving the truth so as to be saved. I want to BE Yachebed - YHWH's Rule - by first letting Him rule over me through my husband (who, will help me rule over those spirits that come to me) and then I can rule over my children as He gives me the grace.
Since Yonah has been gone for three weeks trucking now, I have thought more and more about how much I love this man our Father has given, me. I have begun to see his true value and worth and I have been grieved because I have not trusted, and believed in him more up until this time. I know that our Father is also working in Yonah's life right now too, and for this I am grateful. With all my heart I want to see Yonah blossom. I want to be the kind of wife to, him that will cause him, to know how much he is loved and needed by our Father and His body. I know Yonah has given me a lot of freedom in the past to express my heart to authority about authority. But I am seeing now that many times (if not all) it would have been better to keep my mouth shut. (I know it is because Yonah didn't want me to be quenched). But I do want to repent to you for that meeting a few years ago we had about the "wrongs" in Island Pond - (remember it?) It was in the conference room with all the elders and some women?). I see that I was wrong for not just totally supporting the existing authority no matter what and then our Father could have worked through that unity. It was not my place to speak like that - I am sorry, and donít want to ever be that way again. I have seen this especially since being here in Manasseh - that what is needed is unity amongst the government, and the sheep supporting that authority.
As for the children, first of all I wanted to thank you so much for your and Ha-Emeq's love and care for Tamar. Words cannot express the great remorse and grief I experienced as Tamar had to get on another plane once again as she wasn't being helped by us. Thank you for removing her during this time of uprooting and healing for Yonah and me. I feel like our Father is finally able to give me some revelation about child training as I have been caring for Olam and Shuah my two youngest. I am seeing as I am obedient to the word that comes to me I can bring that same standard to them - if not, there will not be an effective change that can happen in their little lives if it doesn't happen in mine. I am so thankful that we serve a living God whose word is tested and true. This is what I have always wanted, so I don't want to resist Him as He brings discipline to me. His hands are good hands -no matter how much it hurts, He is good. I love Him. Also, I am thankful for the care the boys are receiving during this time - they are being put on the right track and for this I'm thankful. We are hoping to move to Bellows Falls as soon as they get a house, as the brothers feel that's where more healing can come to Yonah - you may have already heard about this.
I want Yonah to be happy, Yoneq. Happy being who he was created to be and nothing else. I know he has suffered with discontentment for years and although I'm sure my lacks contribute to a lot of it - I feel he needs to be delivered from a worthless spirit that causes him to not see how very much our Father needs him to be Yonah. My goal now is to make him know this but also I believe that he needs his brothers too. May our Father's will be done about in our family. I guess this is all for now. Oh yes, one more thing! I have had a recurrent dream for years that Yonah and I got married again, and the body prayed for us laying hands that we would have a baby. I was crying in the dream and didn't know why I was crying - (because I was happy or sad). But, Benabe feels like it was because I was happy that we are going to have another child "shimony Yom" he calls "her". And believe it or not - Yonah and I are actually talking about procreating number seven!! after this "season." (You know this is a first for us to talk this way). But I know our lives are supernatural and for that I am thankful. I love you and appreciate your life with all my heart Yoneq. You have always, always been steadfast in your love for me - tths has won my heart the love of His body. There is nowhere else I have to go, nothing I'd rather do - but be saved. I must be the stem. There is something greater than my own flesh that is urging me on through everything - all the hardships, maladies, disasters, discouragement, disappointments, everything - there is still nothing else I'd rather do - I'm SOOOOO glad. He has never given up on me. He is wonderful. May our wonderful Elohim continue to pour out His marvelous and bountiful grace upon you, Yoneq, to do His will. May you hear clearly from Him in all that you do - we need you and appreciate your sacrifice. You have been truly a father to me. And it is for this reason I have written this letter. I owe a great debt of love to you. It is because of Yahshua's love for me that I can say this, and in his name do I write.